Snap, Strap, Pump And Jump: A Sexual Skydivers Safety Checklist
Bravo Mr. Alex Torres. This award winning porn star, who also doubles as a skydiving instructor figured out a way to kill two birds with one stone. Why not have sex, while skydiving? Simply genius. This fusion of two very enjoyable activities will go right up there with the invention of the hamburger and the idea that adding root beer to ice cream would make a delicious treat. Now certainly, there are a lot of you out there who can't wait to reproduce such a groundbreaking, innovative feat. But before you decide to get nasty at 35,000 feet, you need to prepare. Use this list of five real things to do to prepare for having sex while skydiving.
What you need:
- A timer with an alarm
- Skydiving goggles/ helmet
- An adjustable double harness skydiving rig with of course a workable parachute
- Video recorder
- Condom or some sort of birth control
- Sex before the fall. Hey, you'd better get it while you can. Because, you just never know. You don't want to be the dumb one standing at the pearly gates that died trying get some while skydiving. If you can, get a quickie in right when the plane is taking off. Plus a quick release can ease the tension you'll ineveitably feel from jumping out of a plane stark naked.
- Your pre-dive prep. Make sure the both of you are fitted with the right sized goggles and helmets. Put sunscreen everywhere. Remember, you two will be naked, 35,000 feet up. You don't want to look like rotisserie chickens by the time you touch ground. Also, make sure you put padding between the harness and your skin to keep from chaffing in those sensitive areas. Oh, and it may help if you've had a few skydiving lessons.
- Protection. Nothing can really be considered safe that far off the ground. But make sure you do your best to protect yourselves. Have a timer set for an estimated time of the fall. That way, if you're too far into the whole sex in the sky moment, the timer will snap you back to reality before you pull a nose dive similar to that of a famous animated coyote. Also, wear a condom. The excitement of the jump may speed up your ummm, release. You'd hate to have to tell junior he was conceived while crashing towards Earth.
- Start the video recorder. Look, nobody is going to believe you if you don't have the proof. You're nothing without the proof. So give them the proof. Turn the recorder on and make sure it secured so all your buddies can watch you make a complete ass of yourself over and over again. Start filming even before you jump out of the plane. You want to catch everything.
- Right before the jump.These are the most important things you need to do before hurling yours and her naked bodies out of a plane. First, you need to adjust the harness so that you two are secure, but don't make it so tight that you can't get any rhythm going during the fall. Give yourself enough flexibility so you can give her full thrusts on the way down. Now whether or not she's facing you is totally up to you two. Practice which position works better. Also, make sure you guys are already in the mood, or getting down before the jump. You won't have time for the foreplay as you plummet towards the earth. When you're ready... GERONIMO!